HOW TO:
Escape your family party
Alright the weekend is approaching and you’ve got your little cousins 15th birthday dinner at her mom's house and you really don’t want to go. Tough, this is one of those parties where your mom is not going to cover and say you’re working in that oh so busy job of yours that conveniently schedules you on the days your family is getting together. Luckily there are ways to go about these few hours without getting bombarded by the typical questions like “y el novio” and “how’s that job of yours, are you're still at the same place?”. Here are the basics to surviving just the right amount of time before you can slip away without anyone noticing.
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Step 1: Walk in quickly and don't make eye contact.
As soon as you walk through the door start saying hi, remember the smile and be nice but don't make and if you must make eye contact, don't let it be long enough for questions. Hit the Abuela’s and aunties first, if not they'll be insulted and suspicious that something is up. Quickly work your way to your age group and stay there. You're safe for now.
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Step 2: Find an ally
Look for your closest cousin and pray they’ve gotten there before you. Oh sh*t, you can’t find her… run to the bathroom and get her ETA, hopefully, its short enough to just stay in the bathroom till she gets there. She doesn’t answer, then someones knocking on the door, you open. B*tch! I was looking for you! Finally, you're a partner in crime is there to save you.
Step 3: Where’s the bar?
C’mon, are you even at a family party if there’s no liquor. Now be careful here, pour yourself a drink with your back facing the Abuela’s and aunties. We don't want them to know you’re tolerance is growing and you’re a borderline alcoholic at this point. Make sure your drink doesn’t look too clear and you’ll be just fine. Sip slowly and don’t be back at the bar for at least 30 mins… ok, 15 but be discreet.
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Step 4: Socialize
Yes, you have to talk to these people, after all, they're your flesh and blood and they're not so bad after a drink or 2. Keep it light, no politics, religion or Trump. Talk about your weekend, what are they doing after this party. You ask the questions and stay with your group. Occasionally go to the aunts and uncles, ask them how they are with a hug instead. You’ll have them wrapped around your finger. You're almost there, a couple of hours of small talk, and hopefully, some dancing and you’ve checked all the boxes.
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Step 5: Race to the door
You’ve made it to the end but make sure you’ve been released, make eye contact with your masters and give them the nod. Cross your fingers and hope they… yes! So close and yet so far, now it's time to say goodbye. What's your excuse when they say “ya the vas? y Porque?”. Here you are saying goodbye to the last tia and she says at the top of her lungs, “ Ah you’re you're going to see your boyfriend aren’t you” oh Sh*t, the cold sweats are coming in faster. Like a play out of the NFL Sunday here comes your cousin, grabs you and as she’s whisking you away says “ oh tia you know she gets bored with just one man” leaving her shook! And you’ve finally made it ready to hit the town with your GORLS for a typical Friday night full of (Tea)quila good times.
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Family parties aren’t so bad after all these are the people you’ve grown up with. Your blood and the reason why you're all there together is to celebrate each other. You like family gossip and crazy cousins. Yes, they're overwhelming at times but they all love you and at the end of the day just want what’s best for you. Just follow the steps above and you should be in and out before you know it, and who knows, you may even have a blast while you're there.
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